Family.

I recently went to visit my two younger brothers graves. Thomas and Samuel would have been 14 and 13 in this year. Altho they died when I was a young one, I still feel very much for their death and it does affect me. As I stood there, staring down at the graves of 2 boys who never had a chance to live, memories came flooding back.
Some were memories of when Linda was expecting, things like baby names, shopping, where everyone was gonna sleep. But then, my memories shifted over to the following years after they died. How everything went downhill, and life became miserable for everyone.
My best girlfriend CW took me to the cemetary, and I was overcome with emotion. While struggling not to cry, I ranted about how  I blamed Linda for their deaths, and how life would've been different had they been alive. How my brother John never comes to see them, and how I feel like he doesn't care.
What really made me so mad I almost couldn't keep from crying was that the graves were overun with grass and dirt. On my knees, I angrily tore up grass and push the dirt off the gravestones. I just as angrily vented to CW about how Linda couln't even come to see the graves of her 2 boys. I knew she hadn't been there because it was right after their birthdays, and the graves were, like I said, a mess. Any mother in her right mind wouln't let the graves of 2 precious babies remain overgrown.
I've been sort of depressed since then. I've been thinking about how I have no family to talk to, call up, or even text. Admittedly it is thru my own decision, but it is a decision that had to be made. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurtwhen there is no one to call when you're so sick that you can't even get up to get medication. Or when a boy betrays your trust, there is no dad to run to for comfort.

I could go on and on with examples, but you get it.
I sometimes wonder if I will ever shake this feeling of immense loss.