Reminders.

Today was full of memories and reminders.

I am attending my college's free student help seminars. This week focuses on math skills (of which I freely admit I have none) so I took the opportunity to get some help on a subject that I haven't touched in years.
As I took the placement test, my confidence kept sinking. More and more questions popped up, and as I kept hitting that "I don't know" button, my spirits were in despair.

I reached the final pages, and not to my surprise, out of the 244 subjects in the math genre I was tested on, I only passed 24. I kept looking at those 0/10 or 0/67 scores and wondered how the hell I could even think about passing math in college.

That placement test brought back all my hideous math memories. And hideous they are. I passed 8th grade math and then never went any higher. I remembered how stupid and ignorant I felt when I got handed back tests with those bright gleaming red F's on them. Remembered how I used to cry so hard when people, including my family, made fun of me for not knowing how to divide. For not knowing how to round numbers or even to find the area of a polygon (or whatever the fuck it was).

In every other subject I was fine or I excelled. English? Easy as pie. Science, easypeasy. But math, math made me feel stupid and dumb and like a failure. My teachers, and my parents, no one encouraged,or helped me.

As all those memories came flooding back I stopped myself. Reminded myself that, hell, so what?? I'm a big girl now, if no one is gonna offer to help me, screw 'em! I'll go get it myself!
There I was, in a class of about 8 people, all sighing through these "easy" questions. I was completely lost. So I raised my hand. Again and again and again. I stood up for myself.

And for once? For once I got help. I started understanding those "easy" principals. Because my teacher took the time to tell me how it worked again and again (also told me to stop saying I was sorry for bothering her....oops :), sitting there with me one on one sharing how she used to struggle with math as well.

I shoved all those bad memories back in their box. I will conquer this math. I am strong, I am determined.

 I will not fail.

Changes Changes.

So much has happened in the past 2 weeks. Life just proves to me again and again that you really never know whats coming.

All my college prep is done. Books bought. Supplies bought. Now I'm just waiting for classes to start.
I'm still afraid that I will fail my math course, or have to stay behind and not advance. But you know what?
They have free tutoring for a damn reason. I plan to take FULL advantage of it.

I have scheduled my 5 hour with a friend. Step one toward the license, one step to go. This will happen. I will have a drivers license before December. My xmas present to myself.

I already got a pay raise at my new ft job. 2% but hey, I won't complain. I also got the after school kids club job. That pays 15$ an hour, so I'm not afraid anymore. I have great leads on weekend work, and maybe some pt stuff as well. I will be fine.

I have decided to hold off on my hunting license. I have other more pressing needs, but it will come eventually. The fact that I don't have a gun to use kinda puts a damper on it as well :P

What I am most afraid of right now?
New relationship.
I broke up with my previous boyfriend, it all went well, no hard feelings. Probably the best breakup I will ever have.
Now I move onto the new guy. He is fantastic, everything I really want. Miles better than the previous guy.
Yet I find myself afraid. Not of commitment, but that I don't know what is going to happen.
My biggest fear is failure. I cannot fail. If I do, I can't survive. Too much hangs in the balance. I always have to be on my A game.
Going into the unknown with a new bf, no plan, no knowledge of what is to come, that scares the SHIT outta me. What if I fail?
I want to be in a relationship, but god they scare me in the beginning. I will be fine if you talk to me in about a month. But right now? AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH IM FUCKING SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!!!!!!

Talk to you in a week! :D

The beginning and the past.

A friend that is moving to Texas inspired me to start this blog. She created one to share her beliefs and to keep in touch with people from her hometown.
I have started mine with the intention of doing some of the same, but also logging my way through my life.

So here is some background. The reason I call my blog "fighting thru uncertainty" is because of the earlier years of my life. I went thru many family issues that left me with the only certainty that I have had so far. That I will be uncertain and scared of failure for the foreseeable future.

But I will fight. I have survived, and my goal is to fly in freedom with confidence. To be certain. I will be putting up all my fears and uncertainties upon this blog. I will also be putting up how I have overcome them. I will overcome, because there has been nothing in my life so far that I haven't been able to get through.

My immediate goals are to maintain a GPA of 3.6 while working fulltime, get my drivers license (strike one, 2 to go) and to get my hunting license(and to obviously shoot my first buck).

I am scared that I will not be able to keep up that high of a GPA. I'm afraid that homework in college will be too hard, that I won't get enough tutoring, that it will stress me out too much.  I'm afraid of failing in my goal.

I'm scared that my new fulltime job won't provide me with enough money and that I will have to get a weekend one as well.

I am scared that I will fail my drivers test again. That I will fail all three times and then have to pay to take the test.

I am afraid that I  will miss that perfect shot on my buck, or that I will freeze and not be able to take any sort of shot and embarrass myself in front of my peers.

These are my fears,and I will overcome them. I will survive. I always have, and this time won't be different.