Reminders.

Today was full of memories and reminders.

I am attending my college's free student help seminars. This week focuses on math skills (of which I freely admit I have none) so I took the opportunity to get some help on a subject that I haven't touched in years.
As I took the placement test, my confidence kept sinking. More and more questions popped up, and as I kept hitting that "I don't know" button, my spirits were in despair.

I reached the final pages, and not to my surprise, out of the 244 subjects in the math genre I was tested on, I only passed 24. I kept looking at those 0/10 or 0/67 scores and wondered how the hell I could even think about passing math in college.

That placement test brought back all my hideous math memories. And hideous they are. I passed 8th grade math and then never went any higher. I remembered how stupid and ignorant I felt when I got handed back tests with those bright gleaming red F's on them. Remembered how I used to cry so hard when people, including my family, made fun of me for not knowing how to divide. For not knowing how to round numbers or even to find the area of a polygon (or whatever the fuck it was).

In every other subject I was fine or I excelled. English? Easy as pie. Science, easypeasy. But math, math made me feel stupid and dumb and like a failure. My teachers, and my parents, no one encouraged,or helped me.

As all those memories came flooding back I stopped myself. Reminded myself that, hell, so what?? I'm a big girl now, if no one is gonna offer to help me, screw 'em! I'll go get it myself!
There I was, in a class of about 8 people, all sighing through these "easy" questions. I was completely lost. So I raised my hand. Again and again and again. I stood up for myself.

And for once? For once I got help. I started understanding those "easy" principals. Because my teacher took the time to tell me how it worked again and again (also told me to stop saying I was sorry for bothering her....oops :), sitting there with me one on one sharing how she used to struggle with math as well.

I shoved all those bad memories back in their box. I will conquer this math. I am strong, I am determined.

 I will not fail.