Another essay for English:
I am country.
Even though I grew up in suburbia less than ten minutes from the big city lights, the country is my home.
Have I ever lived there? No. Then what is it that makes me love it so much?
I love the music, the food, the attitude and the people.
Many, many people hate country music. I have very few friend that
can tolerate it when I ride int eh car with them, I love it because it
tells about the realities of life. How hard it is, and how you should
find joy in the little things.
I love the food. Venison if fantastic and nothing can be compared to
fresh vegetables right out of the garden. Don't even bring 'em inside
to wash them. Just dig in! Big hearty meals after working all day?
Strew, fresh bread and those veggies? How can you get better?
Don't forget those country boys! With hot tan lines, serious muscle,
dressed in plaids and wranglers. Picking you up in a truck, politely
tippin their hat and opening the car door? They treat you right.
But the thing that I love most about the country is the land. The
sunrises, unobstructed by buildings. The smell of fresh hay and the
dusty barns. Muddy boots by the door, the shuffle of horses in their
stalls, sunlight streaming through the cracks in the barn.
That is what makes me a country girl.
Monday, December 31, 2012
My Bench
Short essay I wrote for my English class:
How do I feel about a park bench?
I feel relaxed. When I think of a bench, I think of wood so weathered that it's almost grey, and a wrought iron frame with small intricate designs.
I think of my back to the pier, water lapping against the sand. I think of the sun just setting, and pink and blue streaking through the sky.
I imagine green grass and huge terra cotta pot filled with mums on either side of my bench.
I feel the warm breeze on a Sunday night after church, just before it rains. The wind whipping my hair backs and my skirt pressed against my legs.
When I'm on the bench, I'm eating cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches, and drinking orange soda. On the bench with me is by friend of 15 years, Clara. 15 years we've been coming to this bench, and may another 15 go by.
On my grey, weathered bench, I lastly hear the carousel with all the little children going round and round and round.
When I look at a park bench, I think of Charlotte beach on a warm summer night just before it rains, with my long time friend Clara.
How do I feel about a park bench?
I feel relaxed. When I think of a bench, I think of wood so weathered that it's almost grey, and a wrought iron frame with small intricate designs.
I think of my back to the pier, water lapping against the sand. I think of the sun just setting, and pink and blue streaking through the sky.
I imagine green grass and huge terra cotta pot filled with mums on either side of my bench.
I feel the warm breeze on a Sunday night after church, just before it rains. The wind whipping my hair backs and my skirt pressed against my legs.
When I'm on the bench, I'm eating cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches, and drinking orange soda. On the bench with me is by friend of 15 years, Clara. 15 years we've been coming to this bench, and may another 15 go by.
On my grey, weathered bench, I lastly hear the carousel with all the little children going round and round and round.
When I look at a park bench, I think of Charlotte beach on a warm summer night just before it rains, with my long time friend Clara.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Family.
I recently went to visit my two younger brothers graves. Thomas and Samuel would have been 14 and 13 in this year. Altho they died when I was a young one, I still feel very much for their death and it does affect me. As I stood there, staring down at the graves of 2 boys who never had a chance to live, memories came flooding back.
Some were memories of when Linda was expecting, things like baby names, shopping, where everyone was gonna sleep. But then, my memories shifted over to the following years after they died. How everything went downhill, and life became miserable for everyone.
My best girlfriend CW took me to the cemetary, and I was overcome with emotion. While struggling not to cry, I ranted about how I blamed Linda for their deaths, and how life would've been different had they been alive. How my brother John never comes to see them, and how I feel like he doesn't care.
What really made me so mad I almost couldn't keep from crying was that the graves were overun with grass and dirt. On my knees, I angrily tore up grass and push the dirt off the gravestones. I just as angrily vented to CW about how Linda couln't even come to see the graves of her 2 boys. I knew she hadn't been there because it was right after their birthdays, and the graves were, like I said, a mess. Any mother in her right mind wouln't let the graves of 2 precious babies remain overgrown.
I've been sort of depressed since then. I've been thinking about how I have no family to talk to, call up, or even text. Admittedly it is thru my own decision, but it is a decision that had to be made. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurtwhen there is no one to call when you're so sick that you can't even get up to get medication. Or when a boy betrays your trust, there is no dad to run to for comfort.
I could go on and on with examples, but you get it.
I sometimes wonder if I will ever shake this feeling of immense loss.
Some were memories of when Linda was expecting, things like baby names, shopping, where everyone was gonna sleep. But then, my memories shifted over to the following years after they died. How everything went downhill, and life became miserable for everyone.
My best girlfriend CW took me to the cemetary, and I was overcome with emotion. While struggling not to cry, I ranted about how I blamed Linda for their deaths, and how life would've been different had they been alive. How my brother John never comes to see them, and how I feel like he doesn't care.
What really made me so mad I almost couldn't keep from crying was that the graves were overun with grass and dirt. On my knees, I angrily tore up grass and push the dirt off the gravestones. I just as angrily vented to CW about how Linda couln't even come to see the graves of her 2 boys. I knew she hadn't been there because it was right after their birthdays, and the graves were, like I said, a mess. Any mother in her right mind wouln't let the graves of 2 precious babies remain overgrown.
I've been sort of depressed since then. I've been thinking about how I have no family to talk to, call up, or even text. Admittedly it is thru my own decision, but it is a decision that had to be made. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurtwhen there is no one to call when you're so sick that you can't even get up to get medication. Or when a boy betrays your trust, there is no dad to run to for comfort.
I could go on and on with examples, but you get it.
I sometimes wonder if I will ever shake this feeling of immense loss.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
AntiChristian
Most of my christian friends don't understand why I left the Christian faith. Most of my "heathen" friends never asked, or just assumed because of things I said about my past.
I've decided to make it clear to all (who read my blog). I'm will garuntee that my christian friends will not see it as a valid excuse, and will tell me not to judge christianity on past mistakes. But it's a lot easier to say when you havn't had a road as hard as mine.
The very simple reason that I will branch off from, is that while I was a christian, I lived a miserable, hellish, useless exsistance. My life was shit, nobody attempted to help me, and I was basically told to suck it up. When I moved out, it was a "heathen" friend that came to my rescue. None of my christian friends wanted to get between my parents and I. My friend W was the one that saved me. I will owe him for the rest of my life. It was move out or end my hellish life. To this day, I don't think anyone understands how bad it was.
When I got into the typical teenage/young adult activities (sex, drugs,alcohol), thats when some of my christian friends started leaving or taking a pretty damn conspicuous 6-8 month break from being in my life. The reaction I got when I told all my chirstian friends what I was doing, basically to test our friendship and see who was really there for me, were radically different. One friend started laughing, another could only nod her head in horror and say "Oh..Oh...oh." Yet another was suprised, and one simply exclaimed "MARTHA!?!?!" Some people I didn't get to talk to face to face. I had to tell them over the phone or in an email. After I sent an email to an out of state friend, I got a phone call from her. She told me she had read it and had started crying while skyping with her boyfriend. Slowly, friends started distancing themselves or leaving me. The worst part was, half of them told me they wern't suprised. They had expected it.
That made me really friggen mad. How could you see it coming, and not do anything to sway me the other way? Really, sit back and watch? How much of a hypocrite can you possible be. The Bible says to witness to people, but they just let it happen?
My "heathen" friends, they were there for me while I was a mess. They didn't ditch or distance themselves from me, no matter what I said or did. It's not that they approved of all the things I was doing, they told me what they thought. But they didn't leave or judge. I didn't lose one friend.
So here is why I left "the faith." Because I have a better life now, because my non christian friends were the ones that were there for me. I left so that when I get a tattoo or 20 odd piercings, I don't get upturned noses, pointed stares, or get told that I "desecrated my body." To not have to feel guilty that I have done the "ultimate sin", or rebelled against God. To not have people constantly SHOVE their beliefs on me, and tell me that I had no valid excuse to leave the church. That having two parents that claimed that they were christian, but one emotionally and verbally abusing me, the other completely whipped and not standing up for me was not a reason. That my 18 years of hell was "for a purpose" and that God had a "reason" and that it should have made me "stronger in faith". That I shouldn't judge christianity on the two people that were supposed to exemplify it for me. Yeah right, spare me.
I can say anything to try to make Christians understand, but its no excuse. God never did anything for you? He delivered you from your parents, who by the way, really weren't that bad. Your Christian friends deserted you? Well, they just didn't want to be dragged down with you. They preach at you all the time? They are just doing their chrstian duty by witnessing. 24/friken7. Never stop witnessing. No, I don't ask you out to dinner just to preach at you and tell you that you should talk to your parents (also known as sarcasm).
I cannot win with Christians. So I have given up. I am "forever busy" to the friends that try to preach and judge. I have my reasons, no matter how much they are unacceptable.
A side note. It's not that I don't have good friends, best friends that are christians. Cassy never once left me behind or judged. Shannon stayed by my side. My ex pastor was one of the few from my church that was in my corner. Keith will tell me exactly what he thinks, but never once "forgot" about me. I know it's impossible for a christian to think that I could have a better life, that I could be happier. It will catch up to you, they all say. Let it come, because nothing could be worse that living with my parents.
I've decided to make it clear to all (who read my blog). I'm will garuntee that my christian friends will not see it as a valid excuse, and will tell me not to judge christianity on past mistakes. But it's a lot easier to say when you havn't had a road as hard as mine.
The very simple reason that I will branch off from, is that while I was a christian, I lived a miserable, hellish, useless exsistance. My life was shit, nobody attempted to help me, and I was basically told to suck it up. When I moved out, it was a "heathen" friend that came to my rescue. None of my christian friends wanted to get between my parents and I. My friend W was the one that saved me. I will owe him for the rest of my life. It was move out or end my hellish life. To this day, I don't think anyone understands how bad it was.
When I got into the typical teenage/young adult activities (sex, drugs,alcohol), thats when some of my christian friends started leaving or taking a pretty damn conspicuous 6-8 month break from being in my life. The reaction I got when I told all my chirstian friends what I was doing, basically to test our friendship and see who was really there for me, were radically different. One friend started laughing, another could only nod her head in horror and say "Oh..Oh...oh." Yet another was suprised, and one simply exclaimed "MARTHA!?!?!" Some people I didn't get to talk to face to face. I had to tell them over the phone or in an email. After I sent an email to an out of state friend, I got a phone call from her. She told me she had read it and had started crying while skyping with her boyfriend. Slowly, friends started distancing themselves or leaving me. The worst part was, half of them told me they wern't suprised. They had expected it.
That made me really friggen mad. How could you see it coming, and not do anything to sway me the other way? Really, sit back and watch? How much of a hypocrite can you possible be. The Bible says to witness to people, but they just let it happen?
My "heathen" friends, they were there for me while I was a mess. They didn't ditch or distance themselves from me, no matter what I said or did. It's not that they approved of all the things I was doing, they told me what they thought. But they didn't leave or judge. I didn't lose one friend.
So here is why I left "the faith." Because I have a better life now, because my non christian friends were the ones that were there for me. I left so that when I get a tattoo or 20 odd piercings, I don't get upturned noses, pointed stares, or get told that I "desecrated my body." To not have to feel guilty that I have done the "ultimate sin", or rebelled against God. To not have people constantly SHOVE their beliefs on me, and tell me that I had no valid excuse to leave the church. That having two parents that claimed that they were christian, but one emotionally and verbally abusing me, the other completely whipped and not standing up for me was not a reason. That my 18 years of hell was "for a purpose" and that God had a "reason" and that it should have made me "stronger in faith". That I shouldn't judge christianity on the two people that were supposed to exemplify it for me. Yeah right, spare me.
I can say anything to try to make Christians understand, but its no excuse. God never did anything for you? He delivered you from your parents, who by the way, really weren't that bad. Your Christian friends deserted you? Well, they just didn't want to be dragged down with you. They preach at you all the time? They are just doing their chrstian duty by witnessing. 24/friken7. Never stop witnessing. No, I don't ask you out to dinner just to preach at you and tell you that you should talk to your parents (also known as sarcasm).
I cannot win with Christians. So I have given up. I am "forever busy" to the friends that try to preach and judge. I have my reasons, no matter how much they are unacceptable.
A side note. It's not that I don't have good friends, best friends that are christians. Cassy never once left me behind or judged. Shannon stayed by my side. My ex pastor was one of the few from my church that was in my corner. Keith will tell me exactly what he thinks, but never once "forgot" about me. I know it's impossible for a christian to think that I could have a better life, that I could be happier. It will catch up to you, they all say. Let it come, because nothing could be worse that living with my parents.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Reminders.
Today was full of memories and reminders.
I am attending my college's free student help seminars. This week focuses on math skills (of which I freely admit I have none) so I took the opportunity to get some help on a subject that I haven't touched in years.
As I took the placement test, my confidence kept sinking. More and more questions popped up, and as I kept hitting that "I don't know" button, my spirits were in despair.
I reached the final pages, and not to my surprise, out of the 244 subjects in the math genre I was tested on, I only passed 24. I kept looking at those 0/10 or 0/67 scores and wondered how the hell I could even think about passing math in college.
That placement test brought back all my hideous math memories. And hideous they are. I passed 8th grade math and then never went any higher. I remembered how stupid and ignorant I felt when I got handed back tests with those bright gleaming red F's on them. Remembered how I used to cry so hard when people, including my family, made fun of me for not knowing how to divide. For not knowing how to round numbers or even to find the area of a polygon (or whatever the fuck it was).
In every other subject I was fine or I excelled. English? Easy as pie. Science, easypeasy. But math, math made me feel stupid and dumb and like a failure. My teachers, and my parents, no one encouraged,or helped me.
As all those memories came flooding back I stopped myself. Reminded myself that, hell, so what?? I'm a big girl now, if no one is gonna offer to help me, screw 'em! I'll go get it myself!
There I was, in a class of about 8 people, all sighing through these "easy" questions. I was completely lost. So I raised my hand. Again and again and again. I stood up for myself.
And for once? For once I got help. I started understanding those "easy" principals. Because my teacher took the time to tell me how it worked again and again (also told me to stop saying I was sorry for bothering her....oops :), sitting there with me one on one sharing how she used to struggle with math as well.
I shoved all those bad memories back in their box. I will conquer this math. I am strong, I am determined.
I will not fail.
I am attending my college's free student help seminars. This week focuses on math skills (of which I freely admit I have none) so I took the opportunity to get some help on a subject that I haven't touched in years.
As I took the placement test, my confidence kept sinking. More and more questions popped up, and as I kept hitting that "I don't know" button, my spirits were in despair.
I reached the final pages, and not to my surprise, out of the 244 subjects in the math genre I was tested on, I only passed 24. I kept looking at those 0/10 or 0/67 scores and wondered how the hell I could even think about passing math in college.
That placement test brought back all my hideous math memories. And hideous they are. I passed 8th grade math and then never went any higher. I remembered how stupid and ignorant I felt when I got handed back tests with those bright gleaming red F's on them. Remembered how I used to cry so hard when people, including my family, made fun of me for not knowing how to divide. For not knowing how to round numbers or even to find the area of a polygon (or whatever the fuck it was).
In every other subject I was fine or I excelled. English? Easy as pie. Science, easypeasy. But math, math made me feel stupid and dumb and like a failure. My teachers, and my parents, no one encouraged,or helped me.
As all those memories came flooding back I stopped myself. Reminded myself that, hell, so what?? I'm a big girl now, if no one is gonna offer to help me, screw 'em! I'll go get it myself!
There I was, in a class of about 8 people, all sighing through these "easy" questions. I was completely lost. So I raised my hand. Again and again and again. I stood up for myself.
And for once? For once I got help. I started understanding those "easy" principals. Because my teacher took the time to tell me how it worked again and again (also told me to stop saying I was sorry for bothering her....oops :), sitting there with me one on one sharing how she used to struggle with math as well.
I shoved all those bad memories back in their box. I will conquer this math. I am strong, I am determined.
I will not fail.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Changes Changes.
So much has happened in the past 2 weeks. Life just proves to me again and again that you really never know whats coming.
All my college prep is done. Books bought. Supplies bought. Now I'm just waiting for classes to start.
I'm still afraid that I will fail my math course, or have to stay behind and not advance. But you know what?
They have free tutoring for a damn reason. I plan to take FULL advantage of it.
I have scheduled my 5 hour with a friend. Step one toward the license, one step to go. This will happen. I will have a drivers license before December. My xmas present to myself.
I already got a pay raise at my new ft job. 2% but hey, I won't complain. I also got the after school kids club job. That pays 15$ an hour, so I'm not afraid anymore. I have great leads on weekend work, and maybe some pt stuff as well. I will be fine.
I have decided to hold off on my hunting license. I have other more pressing needs, but it will come eventually. The fact that I don't have a gun to use kinda puts a damper on it as well :P
What I am most afraid of right now?
New relationship.
I broke up with my previous boyfriend, it all went well, no hard feelings. Probably the best breakup I will ever have.
Now I move onto the new guy. He is fantastic, everything I really want. Miles better than the previous guy.
Yet I find myself afraid. Not of commitment, but that I don't know what is going to happen.
My biggest fear is failure. I cannot fail. If I do, I can't survive. Too much hangs in the balance. I always have to be on my A game.
Going into the unknown with a new bf, no plan, no knowledge of what is to come, that scares the SHIT outta me. What if I fail?
I want to be in a relationship, but god they scare me in the beginning. I will be fine if you talk to me in about a month. But right now? AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH IM FUCKING SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!!!!!!
Talk to you in a week! :D
All my college prep is done. Books bought. Supplies bought. Now I'm just waiting for classes to start.
I'm still afraid that I will fail my math course, or have to stay behind and not advance. But you know what?
They have free tutoring for a damn reason. I plan to take FULL advantage of it.
I have scheduled my 5 hour with a friend. Step one toward the license, one step to go. This will happen. I will have a drivers license before December. My xmas present to myself.
I already got a pay raise at my new ft job. 2% but hey, I won't complain. I also got the after school kids club job. That pays 15$ an hour, so I'm not afraid anymore. I have great leads on weekend work, and maybe some pt stuff as well. I will be fine.
I have decided to hold off on my hunting license. I have other more pressing needs, but it will come eventually. The fact that I don't have a gun to use kinda puts a damper on it as well :P
What I am most afraid of right now?
New relationship.
I broke up with my previous boyfriend, it all went well, no hard feelings. Probably the best breakup I will ever have.
Now I move onto the new guy. He is fantastic, everything I really want. Miles better than the previous guy.
Yet I find myself afraid. Not of commitment, but that I don't know what is going to happen.
My biggest fear is failure. I cannot fail. If I do, I can't survive. Too much hangs in the balance. I always have to be on my A game.
Going into the unknown with a new bf, no plan, no knowledge of what is to come, that scares the SHIT outta me. What if I fail?
I want to be in a relationship, but god they scare me in the beginning. I will be fine if you talk to me in about a month. But right now? AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH IM FUCKING SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!!!!!!
Talk to you in a week! :D
Sunday, August 5, 2012
The beginning and the past.
A friend that is moving to Texas inspired me to start this blog. She created one to share her beliefs and to keep in touch with people from her hometown.
I have started mine with the intention of doing some of the same, but also logging my way through my life.
So here is some background. The reason I call my blog "fighting thru uncertainty" is because of the earlier years of my life. I went thru many family issues that left me with the only certainty that I have had so far. That I will be uncertain and scared of failure for the foreseeable future.
But I will fight. I have survived, and my goal is to fly in freedom with confidence. To be certain. I will be putting up all my fears and uncertainties upon this blog. I will also be putting up how I have overcome them. I will overcome, because there has been nothing in my life so far that I haven't been able to get through.
My immediate goals are to maintain a GPA of 3.6 while working fulltime, get my drivers license (strike one, 2 to go) and to get my hunting license(and to obviously shoot my first buck).
I am scared that I will not be able to keep up that high of a GPA. I'm afraid that homework in college will be too hard, that I won't get enough tutoring, that it will stress me out too much. I'm afraid of failing in my goal.
I'm scared that my new fulltime job won't provide me with enough money and that I will have to get a weekend one as well.
I am scared that I will fail my drivers test again. That I will fail all three times and then have to pay to take the test.
I am afraid that I will miss that perfect shot on my buck, or that I will freeze and not be able to take any sort of shot and embarrass myself in front of my peers.
These are my fears,and I will overcome them. I will survive. I always have, and this time won't be different.
I have started mine with the intention of doing some of the same, but also logging my way through my life.
So here is some background. The reason I call my blog "fighting thru uncertainty" is because of the earlier years of my life. I went thru many family issues that left me with the only certainty that I have had so far. That I will be uncertain and scared of failure for the foreseeable future.
But I will fight. I have survived, and my goal is to fly in freedom with confidence. To be certain. I will be putting up all my fears and uncertainties upon this blog. I will also be putting up how I have overcome them. I will overcome, because there has been nothing in my life so far that I haven't been able to get through.
My immediate goals are to maintain a GPA of 3.6 while working fulltime, get my drivers license (strike one, 2 to go) and to get my hunting license(and to obviously shoot my first buck).
I am scared that I will not be able to keep up that high of a GPA. I'm afraid that homework in college will be too hard, that I won't get enough tutoring, that it will stress me out too much. I'm afraid of failing in my goal.
I'm scared that my new fulltime job won't provide me with enough money and that I will have to get a weekend one as well.
I am scared that I will fail my drivers test again. That I will fail all three times and then have to pay to take the test.
I am afraid that I will miss that perfect shot on my buck, or that I will freeze and not be able to take any sort of shot and embarrass myself in front of my peers.
These are my fears,and I will overcome them. I will survive. I always have, and this time won't be different.
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